


Empty

by CHRISpyCHEESus



Series: Sad Cat Diaries [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Brotherly comfort, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Sad and Sweet, Secrets, Starvation, empty feelings, jisung is a saint, no relationships - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 22:23:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21005114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CHRISpyCHEESus/pseuds/CHRISpyCHEESus
Summary: They all finally have a day to themselves and everyone is eager to have fun. Chan announces he is going to sleep in as long as he can so everyone be safe and try not to wake him before noon. They decide to give the dorms to Chan for the day. A whole day alone.  Chan was so happy, until he woke up.





	Empty

**Author's Note:**

> I have been in my feelings bad, but writing them out helps. Sorry for the weird feels.

Chan was lying to everyone. It had been almost two days since he had had a proper meal; sure he had snacks here and there, but a single hot pocket did not cover the twenty-four hour days. Today he was alone in the dorm while everyone was out doing various things. This was the first night that month they were able to sit down and eat together. Chan had promised to make dinner earlier in the week, but after after waking up feeling completely empty, he wanted nothing to do with anything food related. It was getting late and he knew the boys would be back soon so he quickly put together spaghetti and garlic bread. It was ready before anyone got home and he took the opportunity to make it look like he had already eaten by tossing a few noodles on a plate and swirling them around with the sauce. It looked perfect; like he had just had his fill. He cut the garlic bread and had a few bites before his throat refused to swallow any more. He wrapped the remaining amount in paper towel and wadded it up before throwing it away. Just then the front door opened and a few of the boys wandered in. Chan poured a cup of coffee with shaky hands trying to pretend that he wasn’t just throwing out his food. 

“Hey! Dinner is ready, come get it!” He yelled, mustering as much energy as he could to put a smile on his face and in his voice. It was hard considering he hadn’t spoken yet that day. His voice came out a little raspy. 

The boys stumbled in, filling their plates, barely even sparing Chan a glance as they said thank you and headed to the table. The front door opened again and the rest of the boys came in, rowdy as they made their way into the kitchen. They exchanged hellos and grabbed some food before slowly making their way to the table. Chan stirred his coffee and took a sip before pushing off the counter and heading to his room. 

“You not eating?” Changbin called, a worried tone to his voice.

“I already did. I have been itching to work on a backing track so I decided not to wait, sorry.” Chan turned back to give Changbin an apologetic smile. Changbin glanced at the dirty plate on the counter and back at Chan before he nodded and went to sit with the others. 

Chan sighed and went to his room. He waited until the door was safely closed before allowing the smile to drop from his face. He was exhausted that entire interaction; even though it was mere minutes it had him completely drained. He sipped his hot coffee. This had to have been his fifth or so cup. His chest hurt and his arms were shaky. He set the cup down on his desk and settled into his chair facing his blank computer screen. No one would be bothering him for awhile; they knew to give him at least an hour alone when he was working on a track. He shivered from all the caffeine coursing through him and let out a shaky sigh. 

He had been sad all day. The one day he finally had all to himself from nine in the morning till now and he woke up with a heavy sadness crushing his chest that soon turned into only emptiness. The first day all alone in three months and he couldn’t leave his bed. He finally got up around one in the afternoon and made coffee before quickly returning to the abyss of sheets. He tried to find food but even the thought of eating wasn’t appealing; the last time Chan had more than a few snacks was the day before last. He knew he needed to eat something but his body shut down every time he got up to look. He gave up after rummaging through the pantry, the effort overwhelming to the point of tears. Coffee was the only thing he seemed to be able to stomach, so he continued to get cup after cup all day. 

Now, as he sat in front of his computer his eyes stung for the thousandth time as his sadness made his body numb. He leaned forward, his face in his hands trying to find any justified reason to be feeling this way. He missed his family, but that wasn’t it. He wasn’t stressed or overworked right now, in fact everyone had found a good pace with practice, writing, performances, and self-care; so why did he feel so worthless? He let out a breath, unable to cry anymore. He grabbed his earbuds and went to lay in bed. He had only spent three hours out of his bed that day. He put in his earbuds and unlocked his phone, quickly finding the playlist he made for when he felt this empty. It was full of sad songs that spoke of ending everything or of how worthless the artist felt. He tried earlier that day to listen to upbeat songs thinking they'd help, but it made things worse. The happy songs didn’t match his feelings and he found he couldn’t relate to them, instead they had him fantasizing about leaving; going nowhere, just walking until he couldn’t any more and collapsing and letting the earth swallow him slowly. Happy songs had him thinking of self harm, they felt forced and made him more tired, so he listened to the saddest songs he knew. This was better. It made him feel better knowing he wasn’t the only one who could feel like this, knowing that others could make it through what he was feeling. He got up to click off the light, taking one last sip of his now cold coffee before crawling under his covers and cranking his music to drown out all other noises. He didn’t sleep, he wasn’t tired in that way. He couldn’t even close his eyes they were so worn out. He stared into the darkness of his room unblinking. 

He didn’t know how long they had been there, but soon Chan registered the hands on his shoulder as Jisung leaned into his field of vision. The bedroom light was on. He reached up and took out one of his earbuds.

“What’s up Hannie?” He asked, his voice rasp.

“Are you sleeping with your eyes open? Or, I guess, are you okay?”

“Yeah, just tired. The track wasn’t lining up the way I wanted so I decided to just sleep and get up early.” Chan muttered.

Jisung glanced at the notebook next to his computer, the one where Chan logged the hours he worked on each song. They could both clearly see that there was no entry for today. Jisung pursed his lips and sighed. Chan knew Jisung doubted his words.

“I am fine. I’m just tired.” He said weakly.

“Do you mind if I lay here with you? Hyunjin is working at his desk and the light is bothering me.”

Chan paused for a split second, wanting so badly to just be left alone, to not be in a full house, to be an empty quiet house where he could just be in his feelings, but he gently lifted his covers to let Jisung snake in beside him. 

“Thanks Chan.” Jisung muttered over his shoulder as he clicked the light off and curled up with his back to Chan, his feet the only thing touching the other boy.

Jisung's toes were icy against Chan's leg. He was glad that Jisung was facing away from him and he didn’t realize how cold it was in the dorm until Jisung was next to him. He put his earbuds back in, turning the volume down and pulled the covers over his shoulders curling himself around Jisung without actually touching him. 

After a few moments Jisung turned around and snuggled into Chan's chest, their knees knocking. He shivered as the blankets slipped from his shoulders. Chan froze from the sudden contact, but soon reached up to pull the covers back over Jisung who, with Chan's movement, snuggled closer. He was fully asleep. Chan felt a little better seeing how relaxed Jisung was. He still felt emotionless, he couldn’t bring himself to smile and his chest still ached, but the ache was less than before. He sighed, the air rustling Jisung's hair. He looked down at the small boy next to him before the realization hit; no matter how close Jisung got Chan still felt cold to his core. Every contact point between them burned. His breath hitched as he realized the feeling stopped skin deep, his insides still felt like ice and Jisung’s touch made him painfully aware of it. He started to lean away from Jisung, gently pushing him farther from him. He shivered at the contact and how it proved how dead he was inside. He rolled over and stared at the wall, careful to not pull the blankets from the other boy.

“Chan. It’s okay.” Jisung whispered. 

Chan's breath caught in his throat. He must have pushed a little too hard and woke Jisung up. He didn’t say anything.

“I know. I know how you are feeling right now and I want you to know it’s okay. Days like these are hard, but they will pass. It was an off day, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t loved or thought of. You are so strong and it’s okay to feel weak for a bit. Just know that it will pass.”

Chan curled tighter into himself willing Jisung to just leave.

“Do you not want to be touched?” Jisung asked. He hadn’t moved from where Chan had pushed him. His voice was soft causing Chan to feel worse for ignoring him.

“It makes me hyper aware of how cold I am inside right now.” Chan whispered, tucking his chin to his chest.

Jisung was quiet. He got up and Chan could hear him leave the room. Even though it was what he wanted, the action made Chan feel distant and unwanted. He curled in on himself harder, trying to fight off the self destructive thoughts that threatened to take him over. He felt his eyes glaze over as he settled into the familiar feeling of being nothing. 

The door opened and he heard shuffling footsteps and the sound of a cup being set down near his head. A hand reached around Chan to grab his shoulder and lift him up. At first he resisted but the hand was persistent and he was so tired. He didn’t want the light to be turned on again so he obeyed. Jisung was careful not to touch Chan's bare skin as he handed him a cup of tea. Chan took it without looking up and held it with both hands, feeling the heat seep into his skin. The cup was very hot and it started to burn the tighter he held it. Jisung blew on the tea before motioning for Chan to do the same and take a sip. Chan sighed before weakly blowing across the surface of the tea and tipping the liquid to his lips. It was too hot. It burned his tongue as it went down and his gums felt like they were melting, but the warmth filled his stomach nicely. Jisung smiled as he took his own tea in his hands and sat next to Chan, back against the wall. Chan took another sip, taking in a little more liquid this time, letting it linger in his mouth before swallowing. He knew his mouth would be raw in the morning, but he couldn’t care less; the warmth was starting to spread inside him and that's all he cared about, the feeling of warmth hitting his chest.

“You spilled it.” Jisung poked his chest lightly. 

Chan looked down and huffed dryly. “Of course.”

“Last time I felt empty Jeongin made me tea because he thought I was sick, but he made it too hot. I burned my entire mouth and it felt like my stomach was burning as well, but it helped. Is it helping you?”

Chan just nodded.

“Good. Finish the whole cup.”

They sat there in silence sipping their tea and staring at nothing. Chan lifted his cup to his lips only to find no tea left. He watched as the empty thing in his hands was removed and placed on the nightstand. Jisung's hand pushed his shoulder to scoot him back down under the covers. Chan didn’t fight it, easily moving back to his spot facing the wall as Jisung got comfortable next to him. 

“If you feel like it, I am laying with my back to you, you can scoot against me if you get cold. I will try to not touch you though. Just push me over if I get too close. I will understand.”

Chan relaxed as he felt Jisung stop moving next to him. He took out his earbuds and listened to the other boys breaths. He decided the sound of Jisung breathing was more soothing than his music and placed his earbuds on the nightstand, careful to not knock over the cups. He took a deep breath and let himself be aware of the warmth in his stomach. He could feel the warmth radiating from Jisung even with the space between them. He found himself curling his knees up to his chest as he scooted to press his back against Jisungs. The warmth in his stomach and against his back seemed to connect and Chan finally felt some semblance of normal again. He didn’t feel like he was full of ice for the first time that day. His breath hissed out of his nose as his eyes teared up.

“Thank you.” He whispered.

Jisung scooted closer to Chan and pulled the covers farther up both of them. Chan let the tears fall silently. They were tears of relief; finally Chan was able to feel again, physical feelings. His body wasn't as numb. Yes he still had a ways to go before feeling completely like himself, but this was a good step towards that, he knew. 

“Thank you.” He whispered again, closing his eyes and letting sleep take him. 


End file.
